I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
