3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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