If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
God gave him joint rollers for hands
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
