I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
