I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
