I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
