facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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