i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
