U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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