Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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