i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
