I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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