This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
