if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Randomize
