I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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