Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
