Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
