I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
