I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
