Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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