I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
