i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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