Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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