this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
