There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
