Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
