I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
