Screwed.edu
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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