we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
