The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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