does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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