I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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