the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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