My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
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"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.