Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
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according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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