now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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