I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
