I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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