Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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