Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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