My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
