I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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