I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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