You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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