I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
