I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
