M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
