Pappa wants mamma naked
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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