508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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