My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
