We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
