I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
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