The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize