My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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