I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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