dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
