Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
