i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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